Life gets confusing as you get older. I thought I would have some answers about how to navigate this messy world by the time I’m in my mid-20s, but I don’t. Instead of trying to be better and wiser, I keep finding myself fell into old bad habits and going into the same old vicious cycle, while becoming more and more frustrated.
It’s not that I’m not grateful for everything good that life has given me so far. I am. But it’s just hard to do, especially when you have been wired all your life to focus on the bad things that reflects all your ugly parts, rather than the good things that you can cherish and be happy about.
Yes, yes, yes. We all shouldn’t play victim and point fingers whenever we make mistakes. We should own up to it. But, I feel like, some part of my traumatic past really fucked me up to the point where I don’t think there’s a way for me to stand up and get back running again. It’s just impossible.
Do people see me as a bad person? Or do people think that I’m a good person? Do people even like me? How can I be perfect with no flaws? Is there a way for me to be likeable? Or should I just give up and just… be done with civility? Why is it so important, that I keep feeling guilty over something that I have zero control of?
You see, back when I was way younger, I had the confidence of a rock star. Literally. I would not hesitate to fight other people because I was always sure of myself. Even when I was wrong, I’d still give myself a pat for being brave and standing up for what I believe in. But now, I’m not even sure with anything — especially myself. What is exactly wrong or right? Who dictates that? Every scenario feels like a moral dilemma.
Everything is intricate, tangled, and not as simple as it seems. There is not only black nor white, but also grey. There are other perspectives and point of views, doing the good thing doesn’t always mean that it’s the right thing, and vice versa. Acknowledging these are part of growing up. And learning them sure is painful as hell.
All I wanted for my life was for it to be peaceful. But now I realised, that my vision will probably never happen if I don’t change something immediately. Maybe I’d grow up to be someone bitter and got eaten with all the negativity of life. Or maybe I won’t, if I managed to change. Who knows?
One thing for sure, I will be forever grateful for my family and best friends, those who stand beside me during my ups and downs. I can never thank them enough — for accepting me for who I am, my flaws and all. I never think someone like me is deserving of love and affection, but they showed me that I’m not as bad as I think, and that meant more than the world to me.
